Hello My Friend Hello

In computer science we often have to take a real life scenario and translate it into cold machine logic. For the diciest situations, we invented things like fuzzy logic, and so-called Artificial Intelligence algorithms. These terms obscure how little progress has been made in this field. The ability to mimic or reproduce the human brain, something we all have (ok, most of us) still eludes science.

In 1996, a computer called (Deep Blue) designed by IBM became the first machine to defeat a reigning world chess champion - Gary Kasparov. Kasparov went on to win some of his subsequent matches with Deep Blue. After one defeat, he explained “I only made one mistake but unfortunately that one mistake lost the game“. We can’t consistently compete with computers when it comes to computations per second, or predicting specific outcomes in a controlled environment based on probability. Lacking our creativity and imagination, machines are on the other hand completely helpless when it comes to dealing with the unexpected.

One simple example is the array of mediocre text to speech and voice recognition technologies available. I setup one such software for my dad to assist in reading lengthy articles. You simply highlight text, and a “virtual assistant” named Hilda appears to read it out loud. On the one hand, it is understandable, and if you increase the reading speed, you will actually finish the article faster than reading it since we comprehend speech much faster than we can read. Still, while Hilda means well; she only speaks English, and even a 5 year old has better pronunciation. Is this a failure on the software’s part, or an indication of how complex something so basic as learning a language can be.

For a child, communication is the first step towards adulthood, and loss of innocence. One day soon, machines will be powerful enough to learn, understand and speak our language. I wonder if the next challenge will be to devise new algorithms to teach machines our insincerity and hypocrisy. The ability to hide what we really think, and say only what benefits us. Will the next Deep Blue be able to compete with a used car salesman ? Since the 70s, the first code programmers are traditionally taught is to simply display the phrase (Hello World!) on the screen. The idea is that it is so simple, anyone can do it, but is it?

Warning: If you’re still reading this; I’m getting sleepy, and hence less serious.

Hi, Hello, Hey ! Why do we greet people with meaningless words ? Does it mean: I’m here, look at me, talk to me, I want attention ! Compliment my hair! Nooooo don’t look at my nose!

Why do we say “how are you?” after the initial hello, when we often couldn’t care less about the answer? In its rudest form, people will say Hi and How are you in full motion without stopping for an answer. It’s most awkward when you ask someone how they’re doing and they actually give you a short essay; consider it payback for asking insincerely.

Another prickly situation is when you greet someone and they don’t answer. Did they
A. Not hear you?
B. Simply not want to answer ?

It’s important to know because if it’s A, they can potentially get upset because you didn’t say hello, so you may have to consider a repeat hello (re-hello). If it’s B then saying Hello again will be desperate. Years ago I lived in an apartment abroad with my brother, and one day, I got home, said hello, and walked to my room. My brother followed and asked why I didn’t say hello to him. I suggested he simply did not hear me. Later he would call my parents and complain that I’m not saying hello to him! At that point, in the interests of peace, I explained that if this is going to upset him, we should formally cease all greeting protocols until further notice, and simply proceed directly to standard conversational activities. Ok, so it wasn’t one of my most brilliant ideas. You can’t get rid of years of tradition on a whim.

Then there is the local kissing greeting. I’m confused do you kiss 2 times, 3 times, 5 times, until further notice ? Do you kiss the left cheek and then the right cheek, or vica versa ? If both people wear glasses, do they get an automatic kissing exemption ? I don’t wear glasses anymore, luckily I learned a neat trick a few years ago from watching how the King greets several dignitaries at one time. When he doesn’t want to kiss someone on the cheek, he would lean slightly back, and use both hands in the handshake. I also found it helps if you look the person directly in the eye and silently meditate on the words “No, I don’t want to kiss you“!

In any case I’ve always been more of a hugger than a kisser. A fellow blogger explained that women have the option of leaning forward in a hug to minimise breast contact. Somehow, I never lost this mental image.

On driving out of Queen Alia, you are greeted with a large sign that says (A big Jordanian Welcome). I think the traditional Jordanian greeting is (حياك الله) (Hayak Allah) which seems to literally translate to (God said hello to you). The short form is just (Hayak). A friend I asked about this explained it is actually a different form of (الله يحييك) (Allah Yihayeek) which translates to (May God say Hello to you). Somehow this didn’t make it better. Presumably one will meet (and greet) their maker when they die, so are you wishing someone dead when you say (Hayak Allah), or have I been led astray by my poor mastery of the Arabic language?

I always found the customary muslim greeting (السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته) (Al-Salam Alaikum Wa Rahmatu Allah Wa Barakatuh) too long and formal. I tried to shorten it to just (Salam), but it didn’t meet with public approval, and it sounds too much like the Hebrew Shalom. So I only use the intermediate form (Salam Alaikum) when greeting multiple people as it seems simpler and more elegant than greeting every single person in the room. Yet I am reluctant to use it so as not to misrepresent my religiosity.

I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite songs. An oldie, but if you like mushy music it’s a goodie.