Killer Commas, Camp Horror Stories, Good Intentions, and Other Minutiae

In 1990, my parents sent their 12 year old youngest son (me) to summer camp in Alexandria (Egypt). It featured the usual activities found in such camps: lousy food, uncomfortable beds, sports, and singing (the fun part). This camp also specialized in Computer programming; really just an excuse to call it educational. It was educational alright, just not in the conventional sense. Can fact be stranger than fiction?

They put us in an alleged 3-star Hotel. Let’s just say it was hard to walk around without hearing a crunch, the sound of a roach being massacred! On the plus-side, prices were so cheap that the hotel laundry service (Uncle Sayed) would wash, iron, fold, and deliver all your clothes for the price of a soda. As an added value, Uncle Sayed would show you his old war scars, and recount how he once single-handed disabled an Israeli tank by jumping on the commander as his head popped out of the hatch, and slitting his throat, then throwing a grenade inside. Likely story? Speaking of Israelis, the hotel also featured a group of scantily clad honeymooners. That year, Tel-Aviv fashion apparently dictated wearing tiny strapless tops emphasising the bra straps decorating the shoulders!

We were assigned to rooms with 4 beds each. I don’t recall my roommate’s names. My memory is funny that way in that details deemed irrelevant get purged! I only remember where they’re from, so that’s how I will refer to them. No offence intended.

1. Nazarine: A Palestinian from Nazareth (الناصرة).
2. Zargawi: A Jordanian from Al-Zarqa (الزرقاء).
3. Bagdadi: An Iraqi from Baghdad (بغداد).

Nazarine was a skinny kid who went on and on about how he lifts weights, and does hundreds of push-ups a day. I never saw him do a single one in 6 weeks. He also frequently spoke of pornographic movies.

Zargawi hung around with his brother most of the time. Peculiarly, he never looked directly at you when he spoke, as if he had something to hide. Instead, he looked straight down most of the time, only occasionally stealing a glance. One day I walked into the room and found Zargawi and his brother near my luggage which somehow got unzipped. His brother was holding 20 Egyptian pounds (جنيه). He quickly slipped it in his pocket, and after an awkward greeting they both walked out of the room. Coincidentally 20 Egyptian pounds were missing from my luggage!

Bagdadi was a big tall fellow nearly twice my size, and that’s saying something. He claimed his dad was a big-shot in Sadam’s government and that he had access to an unlimited expense account. He was also a big-time bully.

On one of the camp field trips to historical sites, several of us bought a tarboosh (طربوش). This is the red hat with a black tassel popular in the ottoman empire. The initial price the vendors offered was 30 pounds, after some haggling, I managed to get one for 3 pounds. Now, what’s the fun in having a tarboosh, if you’re not gonna wear it, I wore mine happily.

Of course Bagdadi’s idea of fun was to constantly push my tarboosh off my head to the floor. After the 3rd time he did that, it wasn’t funny anymore, and I let out an expletive, something about him and his mother being related. Next thing I know, he was choking my neck so hard, I was about to pass out, or worse. Sometimes staying at a venue with no manicure equipment can be an advantage. Pleading with him wasn’t working; as a last resort I decided to dig my nails deep in his neck pushing him down. He let go, lost his balance, and dropped to the floor as I walked away.

A few minutes later, a camp instructor (they insisted on being called Captain) approached me saying Bagdadi had complained that I attacked him. I explained what had happened. My story was aided by the fact that Bagdadi was twice my size, and the issue was brushed off. Boys will be boys, right ?

Petty theft and garden variety bullies are enough to make a trip memorable, but no it had to get stranger than that. One day I go back to the room and find Nazarine and Bagdadi in bed naked. In the mean time Zargawi was jumping around offering money for sexual favors (perhaps the money his brother stole from me). The brown carpet had white stains… What animals we humans can be!

The next day Bagdadi was gone, and a couple of weeks later Iraq invaded Kuwait. Perhaps he had told the truth, and his dad was working for Sadam. Incidentally, the US attack on Iraq started on the morning of my birthday. I was born on a January unlike most of my family and cousins who were born in September/October. I guess Decembers are cold and boring!

Still the most memorable event I remember from that summer wasn’t being cooped up with a bunch of psychos. One of our programming instructors (Captain Ma’moon) had also served in the Army, and this is his idea of an educational story:

A young soldier was sentenced to be hanged. Just before the event, urgent evidence was brought to the attention of his commanding officer by the soldier’s wife. The General told her she has nothing to worry about, and asked her to go home, and wait for her husband’s return. He then issued an immediate signed order. It was brief, and straight to the point as was customary for this officer. That morning, the soldier was hanged. The order detailed the condemned soldier’s name, rank, and serial number, and a single statement:
Urgent: Release cancelled, execution
عاجل:الافراج ممنوع, الاعدام

It makes more sense in Arabic, but Captain Ma’moon’s point was that a single misplaced comma killed an innocent man. He was trying to teach us how important correct syntax can be. My thoughts however were not for the poor soldier and his wife, but for the General. His intention was to release the man. Is that a valid defense ? What other catastrophes have started with the best of intententions ? Is our intention really more important than the result ? What was my parent’s intention when they sent me to this camp ? What were the intentions of a driver who ran over a pedestrian crossing a highway ?

Intentions & WMDs: What were the Chineses’ intentions when they invented gunpowder ? What was Alfred Nobel’s intention when he brought this invention to the west ? If you sell someone a gun and they commit murder, was that your intention when you sold it ? What was Einstein’s intention when he discovered relativity ? What was Oppenheimer’s intention when he built a nuke ? What was Truman’s intention when he decided to use it on civilians? What was England’s intention when it sold Israel heavy water, and America’s intentions when it provided it with 200 tons of Uranium, and France’s intention when it helped it build its reactor, and Germany’s intention when it sold it submarines to carry its nuclear missiles ? What was France’s intentions when it sold Iraq a nuclear reactor? What was Israel’s intention when it destroyed it? What was Ronald Reagan’s intention when he sold Iraq chemical weapons ? What were George W’s intentions when he invaded Iraq to allegedly look for them?

On a related note, here is a lovely photograph from my days in the RAF, well not really! To give context, Iraqi Scud missiles were hitting Israel, and everyone was scared of a chemical weapons attack. Since my sisters were off at university, we turned their bedroom into a make-shift sealed room which we would enter whenever an air-raid siren sounded. Mainly this meant all the electrical outlets and windows were covered with flimsy duct tape. Silly I know, but people will clutch at straws! In preparation for the worst, I didn’t need to bring into the room any canned goods, or emergency supplies. Just my computer freshly loaded with games, at least I wasn’t going to be bored to death. Featured are my kamikaze glasses, Israeli-issue gas mask, Chinese Soccer Goalie gloves, and my father’s trench-coat. To the right, a recent photo for contrast.

Conclusion:
- When in Egypt, don’t settle for anything less than a 5-star hotel!
- Don’t send your kids to camp, it’s like entrusting them to a baby-sitter you’ve never met!
- Plan conception before November, so your kids won’t miss their school year!
- Never join the Army!
- Exclamation marks are cooler than commas!
- Don’t invent, build, sell, and use WMDs, then claim the moral high ground when others try to do the same !

Bob Dylan had this to say about good intentions:
Good intentions can be evil, both hands can be full of grease.
You know that sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace.

So, what are your intentions ?